Dear Gma

April 19,2010

Yesterday, we received the news of your passing via TEXT!! You can't imagine how horrified and angry I was. Frankly, I was stunned and thought it may have been a joke. Sadly, I wasn't and I was left feeling slapped in the face but more shocked.

Tonight I am looking at flights to come see you in the morning. I have procrastinated looking at flights until the latest possible moment, and at last the moment has arrived.

I have busied myself to the point of near exhaustion. I should have been packing and preparing for our departure, but I just can't! I have organized the pantries and closets and cleaned most of the house. I have done loads of laundry, washed, folded and put away.

At 10am, I made a visiting teaching appointment and spent it with the cutest older couple. I kept searching for you in her. I didn't find you. So, I lingered longer and I soon found glimpses of you. Those glimpses were like a drug to me and I hungered for more glimpses.

I saw a glimpse of you when they cared dutifully to their grand daughter's every whim, even if it meant standing up in mid sentence to grab something that may have appeared trivial to others, but was the world to the grand daughter. I saw glimpses of you when her sweet husband attended to her by preparing her lunch and then serving it so lovingly to her. Their roles were reversed, you were the loving spouse tending to the whims of Gramps. They also sent me home with many flowers from their yard and fresh vegetables from their garden. Which was the cake and the icing too, since we all know how well you tended a garden and adored growing your flowers. After 3 hours, I believe I was strong enough to stand and leave these bits of you. It was good to spend my time in service, when the wounds of your loss are so raw.

I arrived home and spoke to my beloved. He was stressed over work and how he had to get so much done and then how he was going to find time to cut the grass. I tried to diminish the grass. I said it could wait 'til we returned. He countered and I could tell it was really a worry to him. I decided I would mow the grass for him. I got most of it done, until the mower ran out of gas!

I had a luncheon in planned with a young mother but in the hustle of things I didn't stay for the rest of church and never got to meet that young mother. I felt like I needed to call her and apologize to her that we couldn't meet for lunch today. She understood considering the reason. However, she shared with me that she was having a really rough day. I felt a tinge of guilt that had I been available to her earlier that her day could have gone better. So, I instantly invited her over. I knew I was a mess, I smelled horrible because of mowing but somehow her emotions were more tender than mine and probably if emotions had a look, it would look much like me.

In the end, I opened our home to this stranger turned new friend and her daughter. They spent the night with us. WHAT WAS I DOING?? WAS I FREAKING CRAZY? I have so much going on! Anyway, I told this young girl that she could stay as long as she needed. If she needed to stay the week while we were gone, she could. WE would have to leave very early in the morning but they could wake at their will. I panicked a bit after. But, then figured if everything in the house was gone we had insurance and I wouldn't be doing that again. I wonder what you would have thought of that? You probably would have said, "WHAT?" FA-CHEE" I think I lost my mind too.

We have met a wonderful family, who called and volunteered to help us with our animals. Such a huge blessing seeing that there was not room in the inn for a mastiff. They are an amazing family and great example of service. They have helped us and befriended us so well.

My flight is finally booked to come see you. We leave on the 6am flight. I have no regrets over our beautiful relationship EXCEPT for one and it is HUGE! It's your haunting words, "when will I see you again?" and I replied "Oh this summer, I'm not sure. dah dah dah blah blah blah! They hit like someone punched me in the stomach. I choke on those words and it makes me want to punch myself right in the face! I wish with all my heart you could see me once again, but it will only be me seeing your beautiful face.