Dear Gma,
Today, I begrudgingly woke to face one of the longest days of my life. I laid my head down at 2am only to rise 3 hrs later. Everyone quietly and quickly got dressed. We still had house guests. I didn't care. I was only focused on getting to you.
I'm in the car thinking that the only reason why I am making this trip is because of you. I had no thoughts of returning home until the summer. Our flight from STL to ALB was effortless. I'm so thankful for that! WE have arrived in Albany and I am physically tired and emotionally drawn. I'm preparing myself to see you tonight.
I truly can't wait to be with my cousins and surrounded by those who loved you. I want to re-tell stories and laugh in your memory. It is because of you that we are all so close. It's because of you that family means so much. You lived 19 years without your spouse and because of you your legacy will live on and your influence will touch many generations to come.
Do you think you stayed with us so long because you wanted to make sure we were solidified as a family? Does your passing mean that you think we can handle it on our own? or does it mean that we haven't figured it out by now and we never will. I sure hope it's not the latter.
You not being here has left me with lots of questions! I'm selfish. I know.
Now what? Who is the one person that everyone will trust and call to share their life about and who will be that center person to share the news with everyone else?
I saw your beautiful face tonight. I wish you could have seen mine. You looked very nice. You would have been happy. I guess you had dark hair when you went in and you were turned to a redhead. Different but still very nice and pleasing. Dash was very taken back by everything but then he spent some time with mom by your casket and whatever she said to him, he then couldn't leave you alone. He touched your hand, your face and your hair and he did this repetitively. I hope he didn't bother you. I know he would do this when you were here, so I'm sure you were laughing at him! (but honestly, it looked like he was a little obsessed).
I'm not one for touching but I felt like I needed to. I braced myself for the cold that I would feel. It took me the entire night to do it. I felt no fear over you, it was breaking through my own barriers. I gingerly and lovingly stretched out my hand to touch yours and it was very pleasant and I could feel the love I had for you. It's just not the same because you are not there. I miss your spirit. I then decided that I could kiss your head. Always the jokester. I said, "Thank you Grandma, for letting me feel what it's like to kiss a Cullen. I love you!
The Father, I forget his name gave a nice sermon, or whatever it's called. It was sad leaving you there but we will see you tomorrow. Just one more day I have to get through. Dad seems to be taking it extremely rough. He loved you so. WE are handling him with kit gloves. He's more silent and that's not like him. He's internalizing things a lot more. Please comfort him.
Always in my heart,
C
8 comments:
Very sweet. She will like it.
I know this is hard for you, but I'm cracking up over you kissing a Cullen.
I'll pray for you, too.
I understand your pains at this time my friend. It's so comforting to know where our passed on loved ones are and that they are still very close by watching over us. Your precious relationship with grandma is what you'll treasure forever!
{{hugs}}the Cullen reference...priceless.
That was so deeply touching, my friend.
She sounds like she was a wonderful lady. They say the greater the person the harder the loss.
Sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you.
G
MG- I am sorry for your loss. Praying for your family. These posts definitely make me miss my grandparents! ((HUGS))
I have enjoyed these post to your grandmother.. What a wonderful relationship, and beautiful woman.
I know what pain you are in..
not just because of your loss.
Your heart is broke.
I hope you take the time for yourself to heal..
You are in my prayers friend.
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