Lilacs for GMA

Dear G,
On the 18th of April marked your passing of a year. I can't believe I made it. Some days were harder than others; mostly in the beginning transitioning through the habitual tasks of the day. As the months went on I stopped calling and I finally deleted your number from my phone. That was hard but a much needed closure moment.

I am well. I still miss sharing fun things with you and I miss hearing your witty sayings about what was going on in the news or the latest gossip. I am sure you would have loved the Royal Wedding. I know how you loved Diana. I wonder what you would have thought about American Idol this year. I think you would really like Scotty and Lauren and I think you would have really liked Pia.

Dad has done a lot of temple work these days. Many relatives work has been done and yours will be done very soon. Dad is really fired up on doing geneology work. He said he found someone on Gramps side, he's been hovering around grave sites. I know how you felt about grave yards and I tend to feel the same way. I can hear your laughter, now. We like to be around the living. But you have marked your year and now your work can be done as well! WOOHOO!!

I spent that day in service. I knew I wanted to keep myself busy and I knew you might think I was a bit ridiculous pining around moping. So, I helped a young mother move out of a not so good situation. I spent the day doing things for others and when I least expected it rememberances of you were always there making me smile.  Your song played on the radio and I smiled.

I found you in many places. Each time I saw beautiful flowers I thought of you. I know your favorite flowers were roses and I thought I would plant a rose bush. But the two flowers that remind me most of you are peonies and lilacs. It's a childhood memory I have of walking to your house after school and seeing you tend your flower garden. But, I always remember you raving on your peonies and lilacs. And as I saw the lilacs and as its perfume fragranced the air each time the wind blew. It sang to me that you were alright and with that I knew I was alright too. As I watched my tulips emerge from the ground I was reminded that life lives again. Once dormant waiting patiently for the snow to leave and the weather to warm buds a beautiful flower. And after just celebrating Easter how true it is! There is life after death. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father's perfect plan! I am so grateful for the atonement and for Jesus Christ. Life does not just end. It is eternal. How sweet that comfort and knowledge is.

So, G! Life is good! I have found a true friend much like you. We both tend to call each other almost daily. Sometimes our chats are lengthy but she feeds my soul the way you did too. She is always loving and kind and caring about me and my family. She is always positive like you. Sometimes, I think she wears the same rose colored glasses that you had. She always wants to know how the kids are and she is a true confidant. She accepts me. All of me, the good, bad and the ugly and she excuses away any of my ugly traits to being not so bad or issues of others. LOL, just what I love! I hope I can be just as good of a friend as she is to me! I guess my task is to endure to the end and keep placing one step in front of the other as long as I'm moving forward and not backward I'm doing ok! Love ya.

Book closed.

I reached.... letter 3 to Gma

******Dear G****** written back before mother's day
I just wanted to let you know that I deleted your number from my phone! My heart broke when I did but I just had to let it go. I was starting to worry each time I dialed your number and it would just ring. So, I have reached a point where I can let you physically go and can bask in the beautiful memories of you. I hope this means that you are progressing! I wonder if you have met gramps yet? WE will work quickly to get your work done! I think it is so sad for people to believe that there is no life after death. How sad for people not to know that a loving heavenly father created us, not just to have joy in this life but in the next! That this was all there was and then we would just go to the ground and rot! That a superior being, as God would be a mastermind to creating our intricate bodies, this beautiful world, and everything on it so that there was nothing. I hope you are enjoying your phase that you are in. I can't wait 'til we meet up again. Mr. Incredible and I did temple sealings. It was nothing short of amazing! To be a part of bringing families together forever is such a great feeling. I know they had been waiting a long time!
Love you, guess what?? MK is driving!

letter 2 of Dear Gma

April 20th, Tuesday

Dear Gma,
Today, I begrudgingly woke to face one of the longest days of my life. I laid my head down at 2am only to rise 3 hrs later. Everyone quietly and quickly got dressed. We still had house guests. I didn't care. I was only focused on getting to you.

I'm in the car thinking that the only reason why I am making this trip is because of you. I had no thoughts of returning home until the summer. Our flight from STL to ALB was effortless. I'm so thankful for that! WE have arrived in Albany and I am physically tired and emotionally drawn. I'm preparing myself to see you tonight.

I truly can't wait to be with my cousins and surrounded by those who loved you. I want to re-tell stories and laugh in your memory. It is because of you that we are all so close. It's because of you that family means so much. You lived 19 years without your spouse and because of you your legacy will live on and your influence will touch many generations to come.

Do you think you stayed with us so long because you wanted to make sure we were solidified as a family? Does your passing mean that you think we can handle it on our own? or does it mean that we haven't figured it out by now and we never will. I sure hope it's not the latter.

You not being here has left me with lots of questions! I'm selfish. I know.
Now what? Who is the one person that everyone will trust and call to share their life about and who will be that center person to share the news with everyone else?

I saw your beautiful face tonight. I wish you could have seen mine. You looked very nice. You would have been happy. I guess you had dark hair when you went in and you were turned to a redhead. Different but still very nice and pleasing. Dash was very taken back by everything but then he spent some time with mom by your casket and whatever she said to him, he then couldn't leave you alone. He touched your hand, your face and your hair and he did this repetitively. I hope he didn't bother you. I know he would do this when you were here, so I'm sure you were laughing at him! (but honestly, it looked like he was a little obsessed).

I'm not one for touching but I felt like I needed to. I braced myself for the cold that I would feel. It took me the entire night to do it. I felt no fear over you, it was breaking through my own barriers. I gingerly and lovingly stretched out my hand to touch yours and it was very pleasant and I could feel the love I had for you. It's just not the same because you are not there. I miss your spirit. I then decided that I could kiss your head. Always the jokester. I said, "Thank you Grandma, for letting me feel what it's like to kiss a Cullen. I love you!

The Father, I forget his name gave a nice sermon, or whatever it's called. It was sad leaving you there but we will see you tomorrow. Just one more day I have to get through. Dad seems to be taking it extremely rough. He loved you so. WE are handling him with kit gloves. He's more silent and that's not like him. He's internalizing things a lot more. Please comfort him.

Always in my heart,
C

Dear Gma

April 19,2010

Yesterday, we received the news of your passing via TEXT!! You can't imagine how horrified and angry I was. Frankly, I was stunned and thought it may have been a joke. Sadly, I wasn't and I was left feeling slapped in the face but more shocked.

Tonight I am looking at flights to come see you in the morning. I have procrastinated looking at flights until the latest possible moment, and at last the moment has arrived.

I have busied myself to the point of near exhaustion. I should have been packing and preparing for our departure, but I just can't! I have organized the pantries and closets and cleaned most of the house. I have done loads of laundry, washed, folded and put away.

At 10am, I made a visiting teaching appointment and spent it with the cutest older couple. I kept searching for you in her. I didn't find you. So, I lingered longer and I soon found glimpses of you. Those glimpses were like a drug to me and I hungered for more glimpses.

I saw a glimpse of you when they cared dutifully to their grand daughter's every whim, even if it meant standing up in mid sentence to grab something that may have appeared trivial to others, but was the world to the grand daughter. I saw glimpses of you when her sweet husband attended to her by preparing her lunch and then serving it so lovingly to her. Their roles were reversed, you were the loving spouse tending to the whims of Gramps. They also sent me home with many flowers from their yard and fresh vegetables from their garden. Which was the cake and the icing too, since we all know how well you tended a garden and adored growing your flowers. After 3 hours, I believe I was strong enough to stand and leave these bits of you. It was good to spend my time in service, when the wounds of your loss are so raw.

I arrived home and spoke to my beloved. He was stressed over work and how he had to get so much done and then how he was going to find time to cut the grass. I tried to diminish the grass. I said it could wait 'til we returned. He countered and I could tell it was really a worry to him. I decided I would mow the grass for him. I got most of it done, until the mower ran out of gas!

I had a luncheon in planned with a young mother but in the hustle of things I didn't stay for the rest of church and never got to meet that young mother. I felt like I needed to call her and apologize to her that we couldn't meet for lunch today. She understood considering the reason. However, she shared with me that she was having a really rough day. I felt a tinge of guilt that had I been available to her earlier that her day could have gone better. So, I instantly invited her over. I knew I was a mess, I smelled horrible because of mowing but somehow her emotions were more tender than mine and probably if emotions had a look, it would look much like me.

In the end, I opened our home to this stranger turned new friend and her daughter. They spent the night with us. WHAT WAS I DOING?? WAS I FREAKING CRAZY? I have so much going on! Anyway, I told this young girl that she could stay as long as she needed. If she needed to stay the week while we were gone, she could. WE would have to leave very early in the morning but they could wake at their will. I panicked a bit after. But, then figured if everything in the house was gone we had insurance and I wouldn't be doing that again. I wonder what you would have thought of that? You probably would have said, "WHAT?" FA-CHEE" I think I lost my mind too.

We have met a wonderful family, who called and volunteered to help us with our animals. Such a huge blessing seeing that there was not room in the inn for a mastiff. They are an amazing family and great example of service. They have helped us and befriended us so well.

My flight is finally booked to come see you. We leave on the 6am flight. I have no regrets over our beautiful relationship EXCEPT for one and it is HUGE! It's your haunting words, "when will I see you again?" and I replied "Oh this summer, I'm not sure. dah dah dah blah blah blah! They hit like someone punched me in the stomach. I choke on those words and it makes me want to punch myself right in the face! I wish with all my heart you could see me once again, but it will only be me seeing your beautiful face.